When the attractive woman got on the elevator, I took a step to the side to give her more room, but the movement caused the bag of candy in my pocket to make a crinkling sound. She glanced over at me.
“Skittles,” I said, holding them up. “See? This made the sound. Not a diaper.”
She smiled. “Honestly, I didn’t think it was a diaper.”
“Oh good. Great. Cause it’s not. I crap in the restroom.”
The elevator continued its slow ascent for a while and then stopped. The woman exited.
“Have a nice day,” she said with a smile.
“Thanks, you too,” I said.
I held my smile until the doors closed.
“Well you fucked that up, you stupid idiot!” I shouted at myself.
“I’d LOVE to see you do better!” I replied.
Then I remembered that there were a couple of people still standing in the elevator and so I decided to quiet down and just stare at the corner. The argument would be best left on hold until I could get home and burn my wrist under an open flame like a civilized person.
