Coffee Discussion!
Starting tomorrow I will have to begin going to a different Starbucks for a while. This is not to knock my usual Starbucks. They are nice people, but they are starting to know me too well. Sometimes they will joke with me like, “Hey! Sorry, but we’re all out of coffee today!” When that happens I just laugh because I don’t know how to respond. If I was a cop, it would be easy. I’d just take my gun out, shove the barrel into my mouth and dare the old woman behind me to pull the trigger as a fun way to kind of go along with the joke. But without a prop like a gun or a bee’s nest, I’m no good at small talk. I dread it so much that I wish it was fine for me to just hand someone money and ask them to buy me the coffee and then thanks, I’ll be out here standing by this tree.
I know that when I get the coffee, I’ll drink it so fast that my mind tricks me into thinking that I’m an outgoing person and that perhaps I should give small talk another try. When that happens I usually run into Starbucks and approach some customer so fast that it’s kind of menacing. I stammer for a while before saying something dumb like, “I think my brother is addicted to milk” or something stupid like that. Then I’ll run away and think, “Goddamn it! You should have mentioned how much your brother uses milk first so they would understand! You fool!”
