January 2010
44 posts
aperegrinus asked: Why is the dog called Eric?
A Story of Luck
When my friend Ricky told me that there was a magazine page with a naked woman on it down at the creek, I immediately left work, hopped in my car and sped over there. Man oh man! Some days, it just feels like everything is going to be okay.
i-have-rocket-legs asked: what should i wear to my job interview? i really have to impress these guys.
Anonymous asked: Do you have any advice on how to get a girl to marry you?
whydoihaveablog asked: Please tell me the person writing this has a book/television show/movie/web series SOMETHING for me to gulp down in between Tom Oatmeal blog entries.
Sex Education Mystery Story!
Maybe I wasn’t the best police officer, but I certainly didn’t deserve to be wasting my day at an elementary school talking to students about drugs and sex.
“I think what you’re holding is just the wrapper for the condom,” the young student said. “The actual condom fell out. See? It’s by your foot.”
“Yeah I know. That’s what I said,” I muttered, reaching down to pick up the condom. “That...
carlovely asked: hey tom. how's the lady hunt going? is eric any help why trying to score some chicks?
Mr. Helpful
By now, the investigators had roped the area off and covered the corpse with a white sheet. They moved cautiously around the scene, occasionally scribbling things into their tiny notepads. I approached and stood silently outside the boundaries of the investigation.
“You know, the real victims here are this man’s children,” I said solemnly.
“Yep,” said the investigator.
“Also, the real...
“If I was interested in entertaining a bunch of retards, I’d go down to...”
– Jesus (to a heckler who told him that his water into wine trick was only okay.)
Anonymous asked: Tom I'm madly in love with you!
Anonymous asked: What is the easiest way to build a succesful shares portfolio?
Weather Report!
It is raining outside and that doesn’t usually happen in Los Angeles. It is usually sunny and warm. I hear New York is cold. So is Chicago. I don’t remember if it rained this much last year. I like the rain for a few days, but I also like the warm, sunny days. Boy, that’s conflicting. It makes me wonder if I actually know anything about myself at all. I’m glad I ran into you so we could...
henryeatspeople asked: I'm pretty sure you're a twiggy acne-riddled 16 year old boy living in Wisconsin who has issues with mouth-breathing and overactive nasal glands even though I've been told otherwise by mutual friends of ours. I think they're damn liars.
Magic Trick Idea!
A great magic trick would be where the musician rolls a fridge out to the middle of the stage and then he opens it. It’s pretty normal. One man in the audience is like, “Big deal! It’s just a stupid fridge!” Then, the musician takes a head of lettuce out of his hat and puts it into bottom right drawer on the fridge. He asks the heckler to tell him what drawer it is in...
Anonymous asked: Do you have any resume tips for job hunters?
Anonymous asked: How long should I wait after a girl gives me her number to call her?
Anonymous asked: I have my first job interview tomorrow, when it comes to small talk, are any topics off limits?
Anonymous asked: What's the best way to get my baby to go to sleep at night?
Anonymous asked: What kind of wine should I take to this crapass inlaw dinner I don't want to go to?
Let's Have Some Healthy Socializing Because It's... →
Crazy Uncle
“Are you actin’ all silly?” I asked my infant nephew in my best baby voice.
“Are you actin’ all silly!?”
He squealed with delight – loving the attention.
“Well I’ll act silly too!” I said. From my pocket I pulled out a syringe full of heroin and shot it directly into one of the veins in my arm.
I guess it was too silly for my nephew because he started crying, which prompted my sister Megan...
Fan Mail →
because Eric is an idiot. But if you asked him, he would say that I am an idiot, but that is what an idiot would say…that I am an idiot. We all know that Eric is an idiot…not me. I am smart like a spy who types passwords and has intercourse.
The only thing I know about you, is that you dated...
ktrnuh:
Why are you trying to add me on facebook?
Because I need a babysitter so I can go out to the MTV booty dancing parties!
