May 2009
41 posts
Toll Booth Banter!
Tom Oatmeal: Two for the toll booth please! My dog Eric and I would like to keep driving on this road.
Toll Operator: Throw the money in the bin. It's the same every time.
Tom Oatmeal: Sorry.
Toll Operator: No, you're not. You do this every day and I tell you the same thing every day. I seriously hate you.
(Before he can finish his sentence, Tom pretends to pass out, his head making the horn honk as he drives slowly forward.)
Courtesy!
Waitress: Would you like a blueberry muffin with your coffee?
Tom Oatmeal: No thanks.
Waitress: Okay. Just let me know if you change your mind.
Tom Oatmeal: I will.
(Hours later. 3 o'clock in the morning - The phone rings)
Waitress: (waking up) Hello?
Tom Oatmeal: One blueberry muffin please!
Waitress: Who is this?
(Click)
Friendly Socializing!
Old Woman: It was hot out today.
Old Man: It sure was. Too hot to go outside, that's for sure!
Tom Oatmeal: Almost. But not quite. Well, not for YOU anyways was it?
(Without taking his eyes off the Old Man, Tom hands a polaroid picture to the old woman. She realizes that its a picture of the old man standing outside in the heat.)
Tom Oatmeal: You're done old man. The game is up.
Old Woman: How long have you been standing behind that plant?
Tom Oatmeal: About four days.
Old Man: And we're the first ones that you were able to...
Tom Oatmeal: Yes.
WHAT A WEEKEND!
I was drinking out of this glass earlier and I guess I misplaced it because when I got thirsty again, the glass was nowhere to be found. As I was reaching for a new glass, my friend Ricky was like, “Isn’t that your glass over there?” I looked over and sure enough, there was my original glass sitting next to the toaster! I wish every weekend could be this exciting, but then...
“I don’t care if it’s five in the morning. Let’s start a...”
– Anonymous (From my new book, “Quotes from Cokeheads”)
“If you notice that you are on fire, you should try to do something to make it so...”
– Socrates (from the book, Quotes for People who are Busy and Don’t Really have Time to Decipher More Meaningful Quotes, but Still Appreciate the Information.)
