August 2008
10 posts
Sunday Night Baseball
I don’t give a shit what Nick Mundy says. ”Sunday Night Baseball” features the most satisfying combination of a white guy and a black guy since “Lethal Weapon.”
WRITERS NEEDED!
Aloha Idiots! JK (just kidding)! Well jeepers, I have to say I thought of a script idea that is so good it makes me wonder why people aren’t like, “Screw God! I’m going to pray to this guy!” The name of the project is Field of Dreams 2: Strawberry Fields Forever and it’s about a farmer who gets a calling to build a baseball field. Thinking it will attract dead legends...
JOKE ALERT!
These guys were driving and their car broke down and so they stayed with this farmer and he was like, “you fucking clowns better not nail my daughter or else!” The guys were like, “Dude, we won’t do that.” and then the farmer was like, “Fair enough! My wife Diane made up some casserole. Now let’s eat some dinner.” so the guys ate dinner with the...
AN EXCERPT FROM MY LATEST NOVEL
“It wasn’t until they were completely lost that the “Sherpa” informed Bill that he was really just an ex-carnival worker who had been deported from the United States. Bill was furious, but suddenly he had a vision of his carnival-savvy guide fashioning snow into edible cotton candy. Bill asked his guide about this, but the man only laughed as he explained how cotton candy...
WARNING! BE CAREFUL!
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but while I was driving today I saw a dog running around nude. He was wild-eyed and his tongue was hanging out. I’m guessing he was on drugs or something. I watched in horror as he urinated on a fire hydrant and then proceeded to tear out a fat dump in my neighbor’s yard. I’m worried because this dog clearly doesn’t give a shit about...
FREE JOKE! (Use it. What do I care, I have a bag...
A lot of crowds tend to like the sharp, political humor. When I have a crowd like this, I tell the following joke:
I pull my dick out of my pants and say, “Hey, I’m Dick Armey!” Then I rub myself to erection and use my genitals to destroy a village I made out of Lincoln Logs while I explain how I used to be the U.S. House Majority Leader and how I’m not anymore.
*This joke...
Craigslist Missed Connections
Title: I SPILLED COFFEE ON YOUR BABY!
Hello there! This is a total shot in the dark, but I am the gentleman that accidentally spilled about a half a cup of coffee onto your baby’s head and face at a Starbucks last Friday. Let me start by saying that I’m very sorry for that blunder. I’m also sorry for when I tried to dab at the spill with a napkin and ended up spilling the rest...
Craigslist Missed Connections
TITLE: I’M THE CORPSE FROM LAST FRIDAY!
Hello there! I’m not sure if you remember me, but we were both extras in a film last Friday. I played the bloated corpse that the detectives found washed up in a riverbed. Even though I wasn’t at liberty to move around much for obvious reasons, I did manage to catch a glimpse of you when the detective turned me on my side to see if the...
Black Guy Needed for Cliche Adventure
This might be a shot in the dark, but I just got my hands on a heartbreakingly small piece of a map that leads to a vague, but lucrative Incan treasure and I am in dire need of a black guy to help me find it. These opportunities are rare and I don’t want to fuck it up by going about it alone or having Greg, my white neighbor team up with me. If you told Greg that, he’d probably tell you that he...
