Tom Oatmeal

A Blog About Intercourse from a guy who doesn't get nervous about intercourse like his friend Ricky does.

46 notes

An appropriate commercial would be where this guy comes into a restaurant and starts screaming at the iced tea because he thinks it should taste better to warrant containing so many calories.  He screams and screams and finally, one of the cooks tackles the guy and they start fighting.  The cook pins the guy’s arms behind his back and the guy thrashes wildly for a second before using a controlled donkey kick to strike the cook in the testicles.  Now free, the guy starts heading back towards the iced tea to continue verbally assaulting it, but the cook hurls a glass bottle of orange seltzer at the guy’s head, which connects and shatters everywhere.  Bleeding and disoriented, the guy staggers out the door and gets hit by a guy on a bicycle.  I’m not sure what this would be an advertisement for, but probably something like a zero calorie iced tea or at least one with lower calories.

An appropriate commercial would be where this guy comes into a restaurant and starts screaming at the iced tea because he thinks it should taste better to warrant containing so many calories.  He screams and screams and finally, one of the cooks tackles the guy and they start fighting.  The cook pins the guy’s arms behind his back and the guy thrashes wildly for a second before using a controlled donkey kick to strike the cook in the testicles.  Now free, the guy starts heading back towards the iced tea to continue verbally assaulting it, but the cook hurls a glass bottle of orange seltzer at the guy’s head, which connects and shatters everywhere.  Bleeding and disoriented, the guy staggers out the door and gets hit by a guy on a bicycle.  I’m not sure what this would be an advertisement for, but probably something like a zero calorie iced tea or at least one with lower calories.

57 notes

About Our Company “The world isn’t in black and white, and neither is our company. We know that there are other colors out there too like grey, which is when you mix black with white. There’s also things like green and dark grey. One of our employees mentioned “magenta,” and I thought he was using a dirty word, but we looked it up and sure enough, he was right; it’s kind of a reddish color. I said that he had to admit that it sounds like a dirty word, but he said that it isn’t a dirty word.  I know that it isn’t, but come on; it sounds dirty.”

About Our Company

“The world isn’t in black and white, and neither is our company. We know that there are other colors out there too like grey, which is when you mix black with white. There’s also things like green and dark grey. One of our employees mentioned “magenta,” and I thought he was using a dirty word, but we looked it up and sure enough, he was right; it’s kind of a reddish color. I said that he had to admit that it sounds like a dirty word, but he said that it isn’t a dirty word.  I know that it isn’t, but come on; it sounds dirty.”

48 notes

A DETECTIVE STORY! After the corpse had been removed, the other detectives and I continued to poke around the crime scene, taking note of anything out of the ordinary. “Look here.  The mirror has been removed from the wall,” said one of the detectives.  “Something like this suggests that perhaps the murderer has issues with his physical appearance.” “Yeah,” said the other detective.  “Maybe he’s disfigured or something.” I decided to chime in.  “Or maybe he was eating a whole container of Cool-whip with his hands because he gets so lonely and he knew that catching a glimpse of that type of grotesque vulnerability in the mirror would make him feel worse.” The other detectives stared at me. “Actually I think you guys are right.  I’ll bet he’s disfigured.”

A DETECTIVE STORY!

After the corpse had been removed, the other detectives and I continued to poke around the crime scene, taking note of anything out of the ordinary.

“Look here.  The mirror has been removed from the wall,” said one of the detectives.  “Something like this suggests that perhaps the murderer has issues with his physical appearance.”

“Yeah,” said the other detective.  “Maybe he’s disfigured or something.”

I decided to chime in.  “Or maybe he was eating a whole container of Cool-whip with his hands because he gets so lonely and he knew that catching a glimpse of that type of grotesque vulnerability in the mirror would make him feel worse.”

The other detectives stared at me.

“Actually I think you guys are right.  I’ll bet he’s disfigured.”

70 notes

It’s not hard to fit in if you find yourself in a new city, but you have to be outgoing.  Put on a nice shirt, comb your hair, and go out to a bar somewhere.  If the door doesn’t appear to have a handle, try pushing against it.  If that doesn’t work, try grabbing whatever is attached to the door and shaking it around, harder and harder until you notice that people inside are laughing hysterically because I guess you’ve been trying to get in through a locked window.  If that happens, don’t engage them.  The sooner you run home, the sooner they will stop laughing at you.

It’s not hard to fit in if you find yourself in a new city, but you have to be outgoing.  Put on a nice shirt, comb your hair, and go out to a bar somewhere.  If the door doesn’t appear to have a handle, try pushing against it.  If that doesn’t work, try grabbing whatever is attached to the door and shaking it around, harder and harder until you notice that people inside are laughing hysterically because I guess you’ve been trying to get in through a locked window.  If that happens, don’t engage them.  The sooner you run home, the sooner they will stop laughing at you.

55 notes

Looking for some cool people to hang out with?! HINT: They’re NOT made out of metal. “Shut up Dad!”

Looking for some cool people to hang out with?!

HINT: They’re NOT made out of metal.

“Shut up Dad!”

50 notes

against-the-cliche asked: What do you do for a living? Please say a comedian or random hobo in Manhattan. No, I'm serious, what do you do for a living?

I work at the bowling alley with my dog, Eric.  We put the stray pins in a cart.  Also this idiot paid us a dollar a bag to pick up used fireworks and trash from this field so Eric and I rolled a bunch of leaves and fallen logs into the bags and said that they were filled with trash.  We’re going to buy a canoe in August.

73 notes

About Our Company “Thanks to our company, a child can use a computer to make an impressive drawing and then show it to her parents, who will marvel at their daughter’s newly discovered artistic talents.  The idea of hidden traits makes the dad ponder the genetics of it.  Was he responsible for this?  If so, then what gifts have lied dormant within him all these years?  In a panic, the dad tries to fold his tongue into three sections and he asks his wife to look, but she tells him that he’s only folding it into two sections.  The man curses because it definitely feels like three sections and so he stomps off, presumably to a mirror.”

About Our Company

“Thanks to our company, a child can use a computer to make an impressive drawing and then show it to her parents, who will marvel at their daughter’s newly discovered artistic talents.  The idea of hidden traits makes the dad ponder the genetics of it.  Was he responsible for this?  If so, then what gifts have lied dormant within him all these years?  In a panic, the dad tries to fold his tongue into three sections and he asks his wife to look, but she tells him that he’s only folding it into two sections.  The man curses because it definitely feels like three sections and so he stomps off, presumably to a mirror.”

65 notes

About Our Company “At our company, we know that successful business is built on innovation.  It is about taking two dimes and a nickel and envisioning something less complicated, but equal in value.  Maybe we end up taping the three coins together to make one thick, supercoin or something like that.  I’ll ask our scientists when I have a second.”

About Our Company

“At our company, we know that successful business is built on innovation.  It is about taking two dimes and a nickel and envisioning something less complicated, but equal in value.  Maybe we end up taping the three coins together to make one thick, supercoin or something like that.  I’ll ask our scientists when I have a second.”