I’ve always wanted to host one of those round table discussions about finance where I start off all nice and then as it goes on, I get angrier and angrier until finally I pull out a hacksaw and start sawing the table into a rectangle so that I can be at the head of it, but then one of the guys questions the dimensions of the new table, alleging that I’m in fact, NOT seated at the true head of it. He’s right and I’m so ashamed that I try to manually remove the man from his seat by grabbing low on the chair legs and tipping it, but the man is so heavy that I can only struggle while my face rubs awkwardly against his doughy stomach, which, after a while, un-tucks his dress shirt. The whole thing ends with the other panelists hammering me into submission with closed fists.
These Things Take Time, a short film based on a blog post by Tom Oatmeal.
Check it out.
Thanks so much to Chuck McCarthy and his crew for bringing this to life! Chuck, if you ever need a bad actor to play a background person, surly landlord, rookie construction worker, or a corpse - I’d be honored.
Tom Oatmeal in front of his family home.
We’re starting a band and my stepdad Glenn is not invited! I don’t care if he played guitar during a 17-year run as a successful and innovative touring musician! He’s not my real dad and he’s not playing in my band!!!
Thanks for the album cover, Chuck McCarthy!
I was loitering all right, but when the cop asked me about it I said no way.
“I’m just a door-to-door salesman,” I lied. “I sell Jacuzzis.”
“Do you install them, too?”
“I sure do.”
The cop then followed me into the liquor store and planted himself by the door; watching as I launched into an improvised sales pitch to the old man behind the register. I described the different shapes and styles of Jacuzzis as well as the various price ranges. I told him what was popular and what the options were with water jets.
“I think I like the one with just the two jets,” said the old man.
“Oh come on, man - two jets?!,” I shook my head, disappointed. “If you really only want two jets you may as well just run over to the hardware store and get yourself one of those little pans you soak your feet in.”
The old man laughed nervously.
“I should really talk to my wife…”
I rolled my eyes. ”Wow. You run every little decision by your wife first?”
“Fine,” he said firmly. “I’ll take the one with ten jets.”
I grinned and patted him hard on the shoulder.
“That’s what I’m talking about!”
About a week later, with the cop watching everything, I had managed to dig a pretty respectable-sized hole in the floor of the liquor store, but the work was hard and it was difficult for me to envision how to build functional water jets.
“Okay,” I said to the cop. “You win. I was loitering.”
Last Sunday, Jen and I shot a short film called These Things Take Time, based on a post by Tom Oatmeal. I don’t know if we will be sending it to Cannes or posting it on my YouTube page along with all my other masterpieces.
This is a still from it.
Yes! I’m so bummed I missed out on this shoot, but can’t wait to see how it turns out. Thanks Chuck!
The magician is amazing, but the crowd doesn’t know it yet because when the trick starts, it’s just a tape of him having really depressing sex with a woman who deserves better, but lacks the drive to end things with the magician.
In the next scene, the woman is pregnant! She tells the magician and he throws a smoke pellet down and disappears in a panic!
Next, we see highlights of the woman’s pregnancy. We see the classes and the baby shower. Finally, we get to the big day. Her parents rush her to the hospital and a few hours later, she gives birth to…
The doctor faints and the crowd erupts in a thunderous applause! Even the woman’s father who up until this moment had vowed to hunt down and kill the magician is impressed. He extends a hand.
“I was wrong about you,” he says to the magician. The men shake hands and everyone watching exchanges looks like, “Remember Dirty Dancing?”
The only person not cheering is the woman’s friend Tracy who makes a snide comment about how it “wasn’t cool” for the magician not to be around for the pregnancy classes and “What about the gifts from the baby shower?”
Oh shut up, Tracy! God!
There’s not a lot you can do if the dog digs up some ancient prayer book and then chews it in a way the invites the kind of curse that makes him grow human hair. Keep an eye on it and offer only basic maintenance: Shampoo, conditioner. Maybe some pomade if you’re going out. But no need to break the bank with expensive haircuts and styling techniques to match the season’s hottest looks because remember: Chewing up the ancient prayer book was BAD. And the dog needs to know that. Bad dog!
Teaser from “I’m Not a Hacker” - a short film by Andrew Stegmeyer of Thunderlab Digital Media. Thanks so much to Andy for liking the piece I wrote for Slacktory enough to want to turn it into something more. It’s been fun to watch it all come together!
The premiere is this Friday! I’ll be sure to post more updates, but check out the page HERE: https://www.facebook.com/imnotahackermovie. Also, be sure to “like” the page (as long as an adult or library employee says it’s okay).
You can’t scream fuck you to a kiosk of loose granola just because you think it’s cereal and therefore belongs in the cereal aisle. You want to buy it, fine, buy it. Be my guest. And then you can put milk on it and declare it cereal to your little heart’s content. But if that’s what you honestly think: that putting milk on something somehow automatically makes it cereal, then you’ve got a real ego problem and if it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to arm-wrestle you for the championship!
If they ever do a prequel to the Fast & Furious movies it should be about high stakes hoop trundling.